It’s Not The Rules, It’s Him


texting on date

"Hey, I h8 r date. I'm gonna leave. But I'm 2 afraid 2 say it. So I'm txting. lol. kthx."

 Dear ss,

I met E. through eHarm in October and we saw each other a few times and had a good time. He was also seeing someone else and stopped seeing me, but there were no hard feelings at all. It was kind of weird because he had been texting me often and I hadn’t heard from him for about five days when he told me he was going to see where this other relationship went. I was kind of irritated that he told me via text, but still, no hard feelings–barely knew the guy.

Fast forward a couple months and E. starts texting me again and asks if he can take me to dinner. I go, we have a nice time, he texts me all through the weekend saying what a great time he had and we make plans do something the following week. We text a little more and then when the day of our date comes up, I never hear from him! I was not going to budge because I had just read “the Rules” (which I hate btw) but later in the evening I sent him a text seeing if we still have plans…nothing.

I actually do like this person, and am afraid that “the rules” may have made it appear that I wasn’t interested and that I should let him know that I would like to see him, the other part of me thinks, if he wanted to see me he would call. I just don’t know what to do! I do know that I hate “the rules” and I HATE texting.

West Coast

Dear West Coast,

Why do you like someone who made plans with you and didn’t follow through? You didn’t imagine it. He texted you to ask you out. And then you texted him that night and he didn’t text you back? Girl, we know he had his phone on him. Because he’s always texting. He’s texting to go out. He’s texting to break up. He’s texting to flirt. And you HATE texting. (Another reason to walk away without looking back.) Do you know why you hate texting so much? Probably the same reason I do. It’s non committal when it’s not combined with real contact like a phone call or a DATE YOU PLANNED.

Also, people that text that much don’t just spontaneously stop texting one evening. Unless perhaps a family emergency comes up. But if it did, and he cared about your feelings and wanted to see you again, he would have texted or called to let you know he had to break your plans. This person is dating around (which is okay) and dicking you around (not okay).

So here’s this guy who seems lukewarm about going out with you. So lukewarm that he didn’t bother to tell you the date was off. Doesn’t matter how much fun your other dates with him were. Do you really want to be treated like that? I think you deserve more and that it’s more productive for you to leave yourself open to someone who is worth your time.

If E. does text or call and is sorry and wants to go out again, and you really want to give it a shot, ask him why you didn’t hear from him. See how you feel when you hear the reason. If it feels legit: go. It’s not that big of a deal. You’re not losing face if you want to see what happens. But see if there’s a pattern. If there is, you’ll know better for next time. I’ve learned my lesson with this business through exactly this kind of trial and error. And sometimes you just have to feel the burn a few times to know it’s just not worth that extra dinner.

However, I guarantee the texting pattern isn’t going anywhere. It’s like dating someone with bad breath. It just doesn’t go away. You have been warned!

[I’m not addressing The Rules thing on purpose because I don’t see how it’s a factor. You said yes to a date and followed up the night of the date even when you never heard from him. A Rules Girl would never follow up. She’s too busy washing her hair or some shit like that.]

xo, ss


3 responses to “It’s Not The Rules, It’s Him

  1. Dan Savage would say, “DTMFA!”

  2. The Single Scientist

    What does DTMFA mean? (Sorry, I’m text challenged over here.)

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