Veiled Propositions for Sex: Yesteryear and Today

The Hunter's Gift

Gabriel Metsu's The Hunter's Gift

If you lived in the 17 century and if you were Dutch, you would know that depicted in this painting it is a hunter propositioning a seamstress for sex. You would know this because he’s offering a dead bird while she reaches for a bible, BTW. (The Dutch verb vogelen–to bird–is a euphemism for doing it.)

I’ve never been offered a dead bird. Not even by my cat, Bart. But it does make me think of all the times men have used another euphemistic (is that a word?) device involving animals in a veiled proposition for sex, which is usually along the lines of date is walking me home and says, “I want to come up and meet/pet Bart” — at 2 am, mind you. My cat is cool, but he’s not so amazing that a wee-hours detour is necessary. And if these suitors knew about Bart’s penchant for arm humping (aggressive male cat dominance – neutered or not – is not something to be reckoned with), they might think twice about this veiled proposition.

Incidentally, I think the instructions for dealing with arm-humping cats might actually work on boob-grabbing, leg-humping guys. Just kidding. (Sort of.)

  • Watch his pupils. If they begin to dilate, he is likely getting ready to hump you. Put him on the floor immediately, when you see this signal and ignore him.
  • If his kneading and purring increase, stop petting him. If he is still growing excited, place him on the floor.
  • If he humps anyway, firmly tell him no and place him on the floor.
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One response to “Veiled Propositions for Sex: Yesteryear and Today

  1. OMG my cats bring me dead birds,mice,moles. I always thought they were “feeding” me! They wanted sex? ewwww Creeps me out!
    BTW petting Bart is better than “I wanna pet your kitty” lol or “Wanna play making babies?”

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