Monthly Archives: September 2010

Happily Ever After

happily-ever-after-invented

This explains a lot.

According to Seeking Happily Ever After (a documentary), there are about 4 million single 30-something women in the US who’ve never been married.

So I’m not the only one! I knew it!

Favorite quote from the trailer: “Gosh. What are some of the downsides of being single?” [followed by shit-eating grin and laughter]

heh heh

Places you won’t meet [straight] men

I’m supposed to be doing the things I love to meet people with common interests because I don’t want to go here anymore. HOWEVER. Most of the things I love to do are girl-oriented. For instance, trapeze school. Lots of women. And gay men. There are straight men sometimes, but they are usually filming their girlfriends.

So straight guys: Trapeze school is the place for you!

As for me, I think I’m going to have to take up pretending to like football. Sigh.

A full heart can’t be caged for long.

heart in a cage

I love that this heart is so full – pulsing almost – and furry. A heart this full can’t be caged in and it does seem to be bursting through the metal door. I like this heart.

Stat Naps: Things friends buy you when you’re single, Part II

hello napkins

Hello Napkins by Love from Queen.

Similar to Grow A Lover, I’ve had these cocktail naps for a few years in the corner of my kitchen with the pile of things that just keep getting rearranged. My friend thought they were funny. So did I. I think she also thought I would use them. I haven’t. (Sorry Carey.)

But maybe I SHOULD.

I filled one out. Would you date me?

will you go with me napkin

It’s kind of like a “will you go with me?” note.

It’s also like one of those American Express ads.

It’s also like the centerfold data sheet in Playboy, which, incidentally, is available as a video online. Claire Sinclair is the October 2010 Playmate, and I learned she is 19, weighs 125 pounds and is turned on by boyish men — “manboys who are slightly awkward and have a few eccentricities. [giggle]”

Maybe I will use a stat nap when I go out on Friday with the ladies. Or maybe, MAYBE I will hand one to Gym Crush so he can wipe the sweat from his brow after a long run. Or perhaps I will dangle and drop it Victorian style in front of his treadmill so he has a reason to talk to me. [giggle]

Love as they do en français…

kissing in paris

In the midst of writing 10 dating tips for this magazine (I’m seriously excited they asked me to!), I got an email from this Frenchman friend who had just read my blog and was all like, “Why do two adults need so much criterion and limitations when zee feelings speak for zemselves?”

And I was all like, “C’est dommage, vrai?”(Peut-être zut alors est plus d’appropos. Je ne sais pas.)

[heh heh. Frenchman: I know you’re reading. Sorry for butchering your language. I really did take five years of French.]

I agree with Frenchman. Feelings do speak for themselves. The job of dating advice is to gently pull you through the dating process like a child on a leash who’s not quite meant to be left to his own devices (oh wait, that’s a terrible analogy) until the right person comes along—your very own petit chou—and Maurice Chevalier or, better yet, Sam Cooke, is your background music for eternity and beyond. [Soupir.]

Or maybe scrap all the rules, firmly place your heart on your sleeve, adopt a lovely accent and skip through the streets with an accordion under puffy clouds positioned just so in the blue watercolor sky.

Veiled Propositions for Sex: Yesteryear and Today

The Hunter's Gift

Gabriel Metsu's The Hunter's Gift

If you lived in the 17 century and if you were Dutch, you would know that depicted in this painting it is a hunter propositioning a seamstress for sex. You would know this because he’s offering a dead bird while she reaches for a bible, BTW. (The Dutch verb vogelen–to bird–is a euphemism for doing it.)

I’ve never been offered a dead bird. Not even by my cat, Bart. But it does make me think of all the times men have used another euphemistic (is that a word?) device involving animals in a veiled proposition for sex, which is usually along the lines of date is walking me home and says, “I want to come up and meet/pet Bart” — at 2 am, mind you. My cat is cool, but he’s not so amazing that a wee-hours detour is necessary. And if these suitors knew about Bart’s penchant for arm humping (aggressive male cat dominance – neutered or not – is not something to be reckoned with), they might think twice about this veiled proposition.

Incidentally, I think the instructions for dealing with arm-humping cats might actually work on boob-grabbing, leg-humping guys. Just kidding. (Sort of.)

  • Watch his pupils. If they begin to dilate, he is likely getting ready to hump you. Put him on the floor immediately, when you see this signal and ignore him.
  • If his kneading and purring increase, stop petting him. If he is still growing excited, place him on the floor.
  • If he humps anyway, firmly tell him no and place him on the floor.

Dating Advice for Men: Three Tips PLUS Bonus

I’m going mainstream w/ video y’all. I suck at film editing, but the advice is legit.

BONUS! I found this kissing advice from hogwild.net. Don’t let the name scare you. This dude is HUL-arious. Seriously entertaining 8 minutes of Kissing 101. Men: If you have not been told regularly in the past 3 years that you are a good kisser, please commit this advice to memory.