Let’s Talk About Sex

Dear ss,

I went on a date with this guy and we had sex. I like him, but is it even possible to consider having a relationship with him now that we’ve already had sex?

Love, Not A Slut

Dear Not A Slut,

Yes. Maybe. No. In a friend’s experience, yes (15 years and 2 kids later). My mom always said only have sex with someone you’re in love with. She forgot the rest of the sentence, which is if you want it to be special and more than just sex. This doesn’t mean it can’t evolve into being special and more than just sex. But on the first date, well, that would be tough to achieve.

Some guys will say it doesn’t matter if a girl sleeps with him on the first date. Meaning the relationship could still go either way. (Important: The sex does not make you more special to him, so don’t use it as a vice!) Some guys will say otherwise. Like, if you’re sleeping with them on the first date, who else are you sleeping with on the first date? You whore. (Of course, if he’s sleeping with you on the first date, what does that say about him? I digress.)

The best advice I’ve heard on this is to act out the relationship you want from the start. So if you’re looking for a serious exclusive relationship, do as my friend K. did and wait until he commits to an exclusive relationship before you have sex with him. It worked out for her. It can work out for you, NAS. This is not about withholding the carrot. It’s about self preservation and waiting for something real and special. And there’s nothing old fashioned or weird about that.

For a realistic account of awkward early sex before you’ve determined whether there’s a relationship, please read the first part of this short story by Jeffrey Eugenides. I chuckled to myself because really, is he following me around in my life?

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