Monthly Archives: May 2010

Look Into My Eyes

gazing party

Staring contest or date? Maybe they should just thumb wrestle.

Speed dating minus talking equals gazing party. (And I thought I had tried it all.) So I guess you just sit and look at the other person and absorb them in a more thoughtful way than spouting off at the mouth about your job or your cat. It’s a more visceral experience, which apparently is better when sizing someone up for a date. It certainly beats trying to get the attention of random dudes across the weight-room floor. (Apparently you have to make eye contact with a guy 13 times before he’ll come talk to you. What the what??)

The gazing-party concept hit DC in April after wild success in NY and SF. Of course. Those cities always embrace stuff like this. I can’t imagine anyone in DC being into this though because you don’t get to talk about your job and it’s practically impossible to make eye contact with strangers here. Nonetheless, I signed up to receive a 24-page guide on how to host my own eye-gazing party.

Personally, I think I would laugh if I tried this. And really, is looking at a guy (or gal) enough to decide you want to go out with him (or her)? What if you hate his voice? The tone of a love interest’s voice is key to attraction. Or what if he hypnotizes you and makes you squawk like a duck or something ridiculous like that? Just kidding. That’s silly.

I think gazing has it’s place though. I like the idea of going on a regular date and holding his gaze without plowing through typical get-to-know-you fare like I usually do. Maybe I will try this. But let’s be honest. I’m gonna laugh. My ass off. Bahahahahha.

I look pretty good for my age.

personalized-birthday-rhubarb-berry-pie

I don't know who Shane is, but I want his birthday rhubarb-berry pie.

[You can skip self-congratulatory post and head straight to bottom for actual dating advice.]

Yes dearies. It’s my birthday. I turned 37. Yep. 37. Thirty seven. Thur-tee seh-ven. Sounds kinda old, as my friend Tracy informed me last night when she called to wish me well. (She’s only 6 months younger, so she’s allowed to say that.) 36 was ok, but 37…still adjusting to the idea of middish to late 30s, though I never sneeze at having a birthday, what with all the Facebook warm fuzzies from people I haven’t talked to in 20 years. I’m into it.

I’m not exactly sure where I thought I’d be at 37. To be honest, I don’t know that I ever thought that far in advance. I stopped looking ahead at 35 because that’s when my lady doctor told me my eggs would start drying up. I don’t worry about that so much anymore because what am I gonna do? Go out and get unprotected slutty with some guy to get knocked up? Mmmm. No. Maybe at 38.

I digress. I was going to be really obnoxious and talk about how fabulous I look for my age. Well, I look young for my age. Truth be told, I look pretty much the same as I did in 1978 except I’m taller and have more teeth. And even though I always get carded except when I visit my wine guy at my favorite wine/liquor store on Columbia Road, I’ve been told this is a good thing. So I will slip you a beauty secret: Dry brushing. I won’t even go into the alternative-medicine benefits of this business. All you need to know is that it’s GOLD for your skin. You will glow and be supremely soft, which is good for dating because what guy doesn’t want to make time with a lady with supple skin?

I use this brush:

body shop dry brush

from The Body Shop

And follow this technique:

dry brush technique

toward heart, cc at stomach, ccc at chest

I don’t mean to sound like a Jessica Simpson infomercial, but seriously. If you’ve never followed any of my advice before (I don’t blame you, I hardly ever follow my own), do this one thing.

And because this is a dating blog, my dating advice for the day (learned from my old dating coach) that you better do just as soon as you order your dry brush online:

Go out by yourself on a Friday night (think art opening rather than bar) and talk to the three most intimidating guys in the room. Yes, I did it. Yes it was horribly awkward. But yes, I got two phone numbers (a tall pointy Swede and a Peruvian in cowboy boots). And yes, you’ll be able to read about it in my book, The Science of Single that now has a book cover to go with it. In case you were wondering, and I know you were.

The Girlfriend Title

The Girlfriend Title

But what does it really mean?

I was chatting with my friend K. today and she was feeling frustrated because she’s at the point with this guy she’s been dating where she wants to lock it down. The title. The Girlfriend Title. It’s been almost 10 dates and about as many weeks. The relationship is getting more serious. He’s starting to plan day trips and talks to his mom about her. And K.’s waiting for an exclusive commitment before she’ll have sex with him. I like that she’s being true to herself.

In my opinion, things are going really, really well. Like, they couldn’t be going any better. Yes, it could all fall apart at any given moment because that’s just life. But signs are not pointing toward that. They are pointing to an exclusive relationship. And while K. is ready for The Big Relationship, she has to let her future BF discover on his own that he is, too.

It’s hard though, when you get to the point of “So … how many dates have we been on?” And you’re tallying up that number to arrive at the conclusion that you should be in a certain place based on that number.

First off, don’t should on yourself. And B., know that men (and women) sometimes take a little longer to figure out their business. (And beware the people who want Insta-Relationship. They are quite possibly attempting to lock you down before you get to see the warts of their life so you can make an educated decision that you actually do want to be with him/her versus just liking the fact that you have someone to cuddle with that second.)

Similarly, I was questioning my brilliant colleague T. a while ago about if it was okay to call the guy I was seeing after we’d had kind of a serious conversation. “No, Louie,” said T. (He calls me Louie sometimes. Kinda like my neighbor calls me Hooker sometimes. It’s a gay thing.) T. explained further it was less about waiting around for him and more about letting him come to the conclusion that he wanted to call me. And when he did, I would know it came from his heart, not as a reaction to my phone call (or text or email or other technological smoke signal). I went with it. He called. It didn’t end up working out for other reasons, but, still, he did call.

So it seems that women have to wait a bit for men to get in touch with their feelings. Just because we know, doesn’t mean they know. And that’s okay. That’s how men are. And I mean that in a really good way. Someone has to temper a woman’s need to jump right into relationships right away. It’s okay to draw things out at the beginning and allow for some of the tugging and pushing and pulling.

Now you don’t want to stay in gray-area land forever. But there’s a thick, bold line between jumping the gun and singing Beyonce to him in a black leotard and realizing that you are caught in relationship purgatory. If it’s not clear to you where you are, ask yourself this:

After dating for 2-3 months,

Does he only call you?

Do you only see each other 1ce or 2ce a week and usually on the same days?

Does he have a hard time looking you in the eye?

Have you had sex without talking about the essentials (like, whether either of you are sleeping with anyone else)?

Does he fail to make future plans?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, there might be a problem. Like on WebMD, signs and symptoms can vary widely and don’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. But it’s worth noting and addressing. Temper yes, but don’t buckle.

But will Facebook do the breaking up for you?

facebook effect tee shirt

I sort of want this tee.

As the powers that be at Facebook pluck around privacy issues, The Facebook Effect comes out and dishes on Mark Z.‘s propensity to mine user date in his down time to predict break ups (or who’ll you’ll date next.)

First off, someone please get Mark a new job.

Secondly, am I the only one who’s annoyed by watching romances go down and up and down again through a profile update? That stupid heart when someone is in a relationship and the broken heart when it doesn’t work out that shows up on my news feed (as if I care)–it all just seems so silly. And unimportant. (That said, every time I’ve dated someone and seen their FB profile continue to say “single” and “interested in: women” well after the 4th date and sleepovers, it has admittedly made me nutso. TMI folks. TMI.)

If FB could go ahead and take the break-up prediction a step further and perhaps send an auto-email with the news to both parties once they’ve determined it’s just not going to work out based on page views and wall post verbiage, I would be in some serious awe.

I Won’t Settle. Dammit.

the divorce cake

The Divorce Cake. Is this what settling leads to?

Well this is inspiring news for those of us who aren’t in a hurry to marry.

I wish I had some Single Lady Cake right now. Though I guess I did have a Trader Joe’s whoopie pie earlier and it was pretty damn tasty.

I heart Macs?

I would actually rather date the Mac guy. It's true.

On a date recently, mid-meal, the lovely man across from me leaned in and said he had to tell me something important. He whispered confidentially, I’m a Mac. It was pretty funny.

I told him, I’m a Mac, too.

And then we rushed over to the courthouse and got married.

The End.

Just kidding about the married part.

Sure, I think it’s great that a guy I went on a date with uses a Mac. Is that a dealmaker? Not really. Holding doors and walking on the street side of the sidewalk, however, will win me over any old day of the week.

That said, Apple is banking on the fact that being a Mac, or more precisely, adoring Apple products, is grounds enough for at least one date. And here we have Cupidtino. In case you missed SNL last night with Betty White [ah-MAZE-ing…best show in 20 years] with the Cupidtino shout out, it’s a “new social dating website exclusively for Apple fans.” That’s what their Twitter page says.

I love my Mac. Don’t get me wrong. Like I told the aforementioned date, I am a Mac. But I don’t need to be exclusively dating Macs. I don’t think. Who knows? Maybe that’s what I’ve been missing all these years. Apple people are pretty smart. Maybe they’re onto something.

Cupidtino launches in June. You heard it here 10th. There will be a monthly fee, but no one knows how much yet. My Match.com sub just ended so maybe I’ll look into it. Maybe. I’m down with Macs, but I have a feeling the people on Cupidtino (terrible name, BTW) will also be people with iPhones, and everyone knows people with iPhones are always on their iPhones. Hello! Human. Right here in front of you. Just sayin’.

The Waiting (is the hardest part).

You’ve had a couple good dates. Let’s even say awesome. You can’t wait to see him again. You’re resisting the Facebook stalk (good for you). But maybe what if you send a wee text? Just to say hi. There’s no harm in that right?

No. Not really. Buuuuut…

Okay. I might get in trouble for saying this by ultra feminists and guys who claim not to play by the rules of pursuit (the jury’s still out for me whether this man exists). But I think it’s good to wait it out. Actually, if there’s anything I learned from all the dates I’ve been on in my life, this is the #1 rule. Let him come to you. Not in a hard-to-get way. More, you’re busy. You have things to do. People to see. He knows you’re there. And he probably has at least three ways to get in touch with you.

I also say this because my friend Josh told me once not to sweat it when I was contemplating what to do in between dates and holding my breath until he called. He instructed me to wait it out. “He’ll call,” he said.

But really, what is there to do but clear your schedule and wait, hoping?

Lots of things. Here’s what I do between a date and the next time he calls. (See how I don’t wait? Well, at least not obviously so.):

1. Go on another date. Yes, really. You aren’t in a relationship. You should keep dating around.

2. Do a face mask.

3. Go dancing with friends.

4. Learn another language. (If you’re fluent before he calls, please move on.)

5. Plant a container garden and watch that sucker grow if you have to.

6. Ride your bike.

7. Listen to Tom Petty. (He’s strangely kind of hot right?)

Things not to do:

1. Check your phone a million times.

2. Check your email a million times.

3. Check your Facebook page a million times.

4. Call all your friends to analyze why he hasn’t called yet. (I would never do this. Nope. Never.)

5. Text him.

I repeat: DO NOT TEXT HIM. If you can’t stop yourself from contacting him, then you make the phone call. If you’re like me, the facemask will all of a sudden become a much more palatable option.

Important note: I don’t think this type of waiting should continue forever in a relationship. Just the beginning. It will all even out soon. Promise.