The No-Rules Rule

A recently single lady friend asked me for advice on dating. As if I know! Just kidding, lady friend who asked. Of course I know, even if I don’t follow my own advice.

Her questions were about how to approach a guy she met:

1. Is it okay to Facebook friend him?

2. Once we are friends, can I ask him out and if I do, do I email him over Facebook or use his personal email on his Facebook page?

3. Is it bad to ask him out? Should I wait to see him again or try to finagle a group meeting with our mutual friend?

I, of course, told her she is fabulous, that she should friend him and then email him over Facebook to see if he wanted to go out. To put it out there and let him respond. And if he was anything less than swimming in delight over her boldness and wonderfulness, I didn’t want her dating him.

So she asked him out. And he said yes.

Then she needed to know what they should do together and what day would be best. She had an activity in mind and a day and I was like, yeah! that sounds good. We agreed that Saturday might be better because the date wouldn’t be on a rushed work day. But then they decided on Thursday night. That works, too.

And so they went out. And it was awesome. And they went out again. And that was awesome.

My point in saying this is that we all get caught up in rules and details and being a perfectionist. I do it every single time. But I really think the most important thing is putting what you want out there, some how, some way, even if it’s fumbly and awkward. And if that person is interested, it WILL fall into place. There is a pretty thick dividing line between putting it out there and straight stalking and often, we know when we are crossing that line. Asking once is enough. If you happen to be asking over email or some other electronic forum and you’re worried that there was technical glitch and THAT’s why you aren’t hearing back: 1. Mostly likely not. It’s time to move on. 2. It’s fine to send a second email if you really need to confirm. But that’s it. No more, whether you hear back or not.

Sure some amazing romances have come to life out of hot pursuit. The guy kept asking and wore her down and then  10 years later they are married and laughing over the time he had to beg her to be with him. I’m not sure this works as often with the female pursuing male. But I only say that because, in my experience, if I’m doing the pursuing it generally means he’s not that interested and the romance won’t get off the ground. That sounds a little old fashioned–man has to pursue woman or nothing–but that’s just how it has worked out for me.

I dunno. I’d love someone to prove me wrong.

To recap: The No Rules rule. Be true to what you want, put that out there, and the people who want the same things will sniff you out.


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