Short-tays! (Hey! With pork and beans.)

This would work. If he weren't GAY.

Actually, it’s “sardines” not short-tays, but both reflect something small and with an acquired taste. (Short-tays being short men.) And I love that song. Go Junkyard Band. DC in the house!

Okay, I get distracted when I try to merge two unlike things into one concept.

Dating short-tays: I’ve long had an issue with this being an Amazon, as my friend called me the other night. (I tried not to take offense.) But I’m pretty much over it—my Napoleon complex that is. So I feel a certain resolve about the advice I’m about to give.

Dear ss,

There are two men I’ve been talking to on OK Cupid who seem pretty cool and I want to take them out on da town.  Only thing is, I found out that both of them are really short.  For me this is unappealing.  SS, you’re tall.  Have you ever gone on a date with a mystery man and found out he’s a few inches shorter than you?  And was it OK?

I think my dislike of shorties stems from my adolescence spent being a few inches and a couple dozen pounds bigger than most boys my age.  I hate feeling big.  Thoughts?  Am I being ridiculous?

Love,

Tall Drink of Water

Dear TDoW,

Oh girl. I feel ya. I echo all of your concerns.  I hate feeling big, too. But I’m not, and neither are you. I’ve dated men of all heights. My first boyfriend was a whole head shorter than me. Our pics at the 8th grade dance were pretty awesome.  And he was wonderful. Later in life, I dated someone 6’5″. That was cozy in terms of having a big frame to curl up next to and give me all-encompassing hugs, except for the fact that he was a self-professed genius and therefore insisted on watching movies on fast forward (really). And he had an eye stutter. We called him Sleeeeeeeeeeee-peeeeeeeeeee.

The problem with the height criterion is that it’s criterion, which goes on a checklist, which are often superficial love letters to some Adonis ideal that does not exist.  Trust me. If this ideal existed, I woulda found him and we’d be canoodling right now. As one dating book somewhere out there said: A checklist is a suit of armor. It keeps you from being open to all manner of people who may not be physically what you expected, but have all the other essential criteria for being a good BF. Like lots of cash for Louis Vuitton and Coach bags. Just kidding. Seriously. Things like he listens to you. Like he can support you emotionally and support himself. Like he’s not abusive or an addict. Things that create a lasting relationship versus a perfect aesthetic picture.

It’s a tough one, though, when you meet someone online and they set the expectation for something else. (Studies show men round up by one inch. I would argue two. That said, women round down 10 pounds.) It happens to me all the time. But what are you gonna do? I can’t blame someone who wants to perpetuate the best version of himself, because I do that all. the. time. I say give them a chance. See how you feel. And remember four things:

1. You look totally amazing and hip and pretty and adorabs, and the size of whatever man you are with does not change this in the slightest.
2. Men can make up for their height with a big personality.
3. Shorter men tend to dance better than taller men and are more WILLING to dance. (This may not be important to you,  but I like a man who’s at least willing to get out there.)
4. When you’re lying down, height doesn’t matter. heeeeeeeeeeeeee

And for men who want to diffuse the height issue, instructions.

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7 responses to “Short-tays! (Hey! With pork and beans.)

  1. Sure, Muggsy Bogues, Ryan Seacrest, and Wee Man are probably cute and snuggly… but the > 5’10” Club, and that genius Louboutin will welcome you back when you’re ready to trade the flats for the stilletos.

    • The Single Scientist

      Ben, Don’t be snide. I think we can appreciate men and women of all sizes on this blog. There is no either/or in dating. But you prolly already know that.

      • I’m not being snide. It’s simply Darwinian logic: Bigger, faster, stronger. And every study shows the advantages – professional, social, and otherwise – going to the fittest of the male species: The Tall Man. But you’re right… Wee Man needs love too.

        Now back to the stilletos…

  2. jon stewart – ’nuff said

  3. The Single Scientist

    Cathy: Oooo John Stewart. If only he’d gone along with The Artistocrats joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlYogFkPbJs.
    Shameful.

  4. For me, seeing a blog that says how a girl should be open to guys of all heights is really encouraging, since I’m super short. At the same time, it makes me feel like a hypocrite because I find taller girls attractive. :-\ Except, there was one girl I had an insane crush on when I was 16 who was actually less than 5 feet tall. 😛

    Meh, I don’t know the point of the comment I’m making. Basically, I’m short, tall girls are awesome, but personality is what matters most. Fo’realziez.

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