Two Men, Heard on the Street

Two men on the street.

Where's the female voice of reason??

So I’m walking home from the farmer’s market and contemplating what to do with the butternut squash and kale (thinking a nice risotto or a soup) and wishing I’d bought the ricotta, when I hear these two guys talking about girls behind me. Usually, I overhear two girls and it goes something like this:

Girl1: And I was like, “Um no, you’re married.” I mean, I can’t believe he didn’t tell me!

Girl2:WTF? Seriously? Really?

G1: Yeah. But then I spent the night anyway, because like, that’s his wife’s problem you know?

G2: Totally.

Me: [Um, not exactly.]

But today, it was two guys and it went something like this:

Guy1: So there were soooo many girls at this party. It was amazing…

Guy2: Really? Why didn’t you call me?

G1: Oh yeah, Michelle was there…

G2: Oh.

G1: Yeah. I talked to her. She’s gorgeous and all, but [indecipherable but something that led me to believe this was G2’s ex]. But anyway, there’s this other girl Pauline who I’ve been wanting to set you up with. She’s really cool, but then her friends were like “She’s obsessed with getting married and only looking long term.”

G2: Oh.

G1: [with disdain or disbelief or both] Yeah, and she has all these criteria, and she won’t even date someone who smokes.

G2: [more disdain/disbelief] Oh, really?

Me: [giggling]

Gentleman. Gentlemen. GENTLEMEN. Girls are always looking long term. ALWAYS. Even if they don’t say it or even know it themselves. We are biologically wired to spawn. Therefore we need a mate. (Just like you are biologically wired to spread seed.) I’m sure there are some women out there who are the exceptions to the rule. But seriously men, when have you ever dated someone—even if she was the coolest chick in the world and just loved to”have fun” and “hang out”—who didn’t want to know at right about the 3-month mark, what was “going on?” All of a sudden you feel this pressure. The TIMELINE [dun dun dunnnn]. But gentlemen, it’s always been there, she just finally spoke up about it. (Though she’s been telling her girlfriends for 2.5 months that she’s not quite sure what’s going on, but that’s ok, she can wait to see how things unfold.) Trust me.

It’s okay though. Because as you keep your biological instincts in check and hopefully don’t spread your seed around (male-pattern sluttiness is so early 90s), women, too, abate their need to nest with a healthy does of living in the moment.

As for Pauline, I’m not sure I count striking men who smoke from her list of potential boyfriends being obsessed with the long term. (Oh, the horror of wanting to have a meaningful relationship in which two people love and support each other and even have fun together. That just sounds terrible.) Perhaps Pauline, like many others, thinks it’s unpalatable to kiss someone who has been smoking. I also don’t think being more selective about who you date to increase the odds of finding someone who, I don’t know, matches you, is picky either. Now, if Pauline is armed with a superficial checklist of everything she is and isn’t looking for in a dude, that’s less obsessed with getting married and more closing herself off to possibilities. A whole other issue entirely.

I read a quote in Vogue yesterday. The article was an interview with Michelle Williams. (She’s so cute.) She paraphrased Gloria Steinam: “Become the man you want to marry.” I think that’s what Pauline should do. And she should steer clear of Michelle’s (presumable) ex and his friend because they are quite happy living in their fantasy world where ladies live for brief, meaningless flings with short, goofy dudes. And if you ask me, the friend was only talking about Pauline’s obsession with marriage to cover up the fact that he was totally hitting on his friend’s ex, Michelle. WTF?



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