No bidniss online. None.

Aight, so my nails are little more than nubbins and I just got more hair chopped off yesterday (little whispies, nothing big), so clearly I’m not ready to date. I have some very stringent guidelines for when that will be and that is exactly when my hair befriends my shoulders again and I can go to the girl at Qwest nails and not have her snicker in Vietnamese to her friend scraping heel callouses across the room about how ragged my nail beds are and what the hizell am I doing getting a manicure? (Is there a Vietnamese word for hizell?)

So no. No dating for me. Period.

Except I had to go to my online dating place and check something out. (And no, I wasn’t looking to see if Phil put his profile back up.) See, there was this guy two years ago who I emailed with for a couple weeks. I’ll call him Rafe. He was really cool, but I was never sure about his pics. There was another guy I was emailing at the time too, and I guess I was more sure about his pics, though I’m not really sure why. Anyway, I picked the other guy (we’ll call him Jonah) and stopped emailing Rafe.

Six months late, Rafe found me online again, after Jonah decided dating me was not fun. Rafe and I started chatting again. And then he stopped emailing me because he met someone. You see where I’m going with this.

Anyway, when I decided to put my profile back up a week after Phil dumped me, I noticed that ol’ Rafe had checked in on my profile. They have that “who’s viewing me” link and I’m always checking it out to see who’s viewing me because I’m vain and want to know…uh…who’s viewing me. Thing with Rafe is (and many other dudes still hibernating), he’s viewing incognito. Profile: not active.

Which didn’t/doesn’t matter because I’m not dating.

But the curiosity has been killing me. What if he’s back online? What if, after all this time and second guessing, Rafe and I end up together, blissfully reading my daily blog posts out loud together and laughing about how silly this whole dating this is? (Clearly I haven’t learned my lesson about fantasizing. I’m slapping myself across my face really hard right now.) Of course, I don’t even remember anything about him and if I saw him on the street, I’d walk right on by, none the wiser that I’d been stalking him online hours earlier. So there’s that.

So even though I not dating right now and I’m also not checking in on my online dating place, I still decided I needed to see if Rafe’s profile was back up. Just to see. Just a little peek. Nobody gets hurt.

So I checked in at my online dating place. Except I did it with my hand over most of the screen, just in case Phil popped up in one of those featured member gallery things on the main page where they peddle people to you. So many things are wrong with this picture I don’t even know where to begin.

Starting with, why am I looking for someone with whom the only relationship I have is one in which we’ve both passed over each other for someone else. That’s healthy.

Oh and the hand covering the screen thing is just fucking weird. I wasn’t going to even bring that up, but it’s too pathetic funny not to share. I do weird things sometimes. (Lots of times.)

None of this matters. Rafe’s profile is still inactive. And so is mine. And it will stay that way. I mean, if I can’t tool around an online dating site without blocking the screen because my ego stings from seeing the person I used to date, then, well do I even need to talk about this anymore?

No sir. I don’t.

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