Lots and lots of frogs

“The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness,crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess,hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s
deception, screaming madly, ‘You lied!”

I love that my general existence can be summed up, not by a self-help book as I was worried it would be, but by the winning entry of the Bulwer-Lytton contest (the “Dark and Stormy Night” contest, where you write the first line of a bad novel). Things could be worse. I could be Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, the man who penned the original “dark and stormy night.” Clearly, a writer not taken seriously. This comes two weeks after my therapist tells me the most trite thing a therapist can tell a client:

Me: [Moaning about being dumped]

Therapist: Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs

Me: [mouth gaping thinking she must have been asleep during the last 2 years while I was kissing a lot of frogs] Uh, but I kind of have.

When therapists start to say things like that, does that mean it’s time to move on? Like I’m actually smarter than her now?

For the rest of the contest winners:

10. “As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break
wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.”

9. “Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens.”

8.”With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes,perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description.”

7. “Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the East wall: ‘Andre creep… Andre creep… Andre creep.'”

6. “Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism,
was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon
to become the woman he loved.”

5. “Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
from eeking out a living at a local pet store.”

4. “Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do.”

3. “Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.”

2. “Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the
meaning of the word ‘fear’; a man who could laugh in the face of danger
and spit in the eye of death — in short, a moron with suicidal
tendencies.”

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One response to “Lots and lots of frogs

  1. you were probably smarter when you started, but her ideas seemed novel and you didn’t notice.

    she’s now just run out of things to say, she’s run out of cliches for situations.

    i think you’re better off kissing better-looking things than frogs.

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