Okay, so it didn’t quite work out the way I wanted it to — the deadline setting, the paper burning. I didn’t wake up and magically stop caring. But I cared a lot less. Honestly I’m just so tired of thinking about why why why doesn’t Phil like me. I think I’m just done with it. Who cares? I’m actually more interested now in why I was so quick to get involved with him. Perhaps because I’m a woman who loves to much. Pretty interesting book, though most of the women’s stories in it have had some terrible experiences with addicts and awful awful men.
That’s never been me. I don’t pick awful people. I’d say on a scale of one to 10 of women who love to much, I’m a one. Maybe a two if he dresses well and has good shoes. And I”m pretty well aware of it when situation isn’t working out. I just don’t do much about it. Instead of cutting it off, I just wait for things to change and work themselves out. But when things get a little wacky, women who love too much start trying really hard. Too hard. I’ve seen myself do this so many times.
It feels so complicated. And I don’t think a book should sum up my whole existence. I’ll figure this out though. The key really is just not diving into a relationship so damn quickly. To have lots of outlets so that the instant relationship isn’t even possible. That way, things unfold slowly, you get to the know the person before you get attached and then decide if that person is worthy of more time. (Brain surgery, this is not.) Me, I haven’t had many outlets lately so it was easy to just kind of get carried away. And this is all much easier said than done, especially when you really like someone.
But really, my life isn’t that hard. You know who’s life is hard? The guy with no legs I drove past last night who was rolling himself up a steep hill in the 40-degree rain. He was getting about one inch per roll. That guy’s life is hard.
And men are still chasing me, so there’s that. I mean, today, outside of Safeway, a guy with long cornrows who was hanging with his amigos near the jewelry vendor said hi and asked if I had a second to talk. I sort of just waved him off. But then he came up behind me. “Really do you have a second?” Of course I pretended not to hear because I got all nervous and kind of scared. But still. Men want me.