I brought up Phil’s reason for dumping me in my group therapy last night, which is me, Judith the therapist and three men hanging out in Judith’s basement. I told them about Phil and my worries about not being biologically fit to date and my fertility and everyone laughed. Mostly because I was laughing. I realized how silly I sounded. And the guys all confirmed that it isn’t necessarily that something is wrong with me—the reason Phil doesn’t want to date me, that is. They seemed pretty sure it isn’t the fact that we have different ideologies or that he wants to be selfish with his time. They think it’s him afraid of commitment.
I guess I get it. But I feel like that statement should be amended. It’s him afraid of commitment…with me. Because let’s face it, when you like someone, you like someone. Though I guess there is that timing issue and it definitely supersedes feelings. And one thing is sure, Phil and I are not in the same time zone, metaphorically speaking.
Anyway, hearing this in group helped. A lot. But Phil just IMed me. He read the blog. He told me the reasons it didn’t work out weren’t anything on the top 10 list. Which absolutely irritated me because all I could think was “WHAT IS IT THEN?” Of course, I would never ask this because I would never beg and, really, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes reasons don’t matter. And I have to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t so sure about Phil, either. And, like him, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. At times, it just didn’t feel quite right. Or felt like something was missing. I couldn’t see more. I really wanted to because that’s what I do when I’m in a relationship. I try really hard. Even when I shouldn’t. And this is why I’m mad and frustrated at myself.
I used to be so freaking picky. If someone’s hair blew funny in the wind, that was it. Filter was on high. Now my filter is set so low that I’m allowing things to go on that aren’t right for me. But I know why I did this with Phil. He’s great. He’s caring and interested and good at rubbing backs and being cozy. For a while there, he was all about me—maybe a bit to a fault. But before his passive participation started to worry me, it was really comforting to be around someone who genuinely liked me and made me laugh and who I felt confident with. Because I’d seriously lacked that before.
So, I guess being with Phil, albeit for a short time, was pretty important and probably why it smarts so much right now. Hopefully, we can be friends after the dust of unresolved feelings find a spot to settle. I know I poo-pooed this whole “friends” things before. But I just got an email from Simon (who is friends with everyone he used to date). He wanted to check in. I didn’t feel hurt or sad or angry or annoyed or repulsed. Just glad to hear from him.