Monthly Archives: February 2008

Different Ideologies

I brought up Phil’s reason for dumping me in my group therapy last night, which is me, Judith the therapist and three men hanging out in Judith’s basement. I told them about Phil and my worries about not being biologically fit to date and my fertility and everyone laughed. Mostly because I was laughing. I realized how silly I sounded. And the guys all confirmed that it isn’t necessarily that something is wrong with me—the reason Phil doesn’t want to date me, that is. They seemed pretty sure it isn’t the fact that we have different ideologies or that he wants to be selfish with his time. They think it’s him afraid of commitment. (more)

Self Flagellation

It’s bad ju-ju. I was sliding down a slippery slope with “what’s wrong with me” syndrome for a couple days, but it really doesn’t help to come up with reasons why I’m no good. (You shoulda seen the post that I was going to put up about how I’m not biologically fit to date. I had back up documentation and everything.) Besides, it elicited all sorts of negativity from friends about Phil—things like “if i see him can I kick him in the shins?” and “he’s stupid”—and so I was having to do a lot of Phil defending about how he’s entitled to his feelings. Which he is. But this is not what I want to be concentrating on. (more)

DUMPED!

Yeah. It’s over with me and Phil. I’m not exactly sure what happened. It’s like we were in this slow motion cocoon bubble for a couple months where things were cozy and warm, and then someone came in and popped it and time sped up and Phil started to avoid the cocoon bubble and before I know it, I’m getting texts and emails that are hours too late to be the regular check ins and are actually messages backing out of seeing me and sound more like something you’d send to a gimpy second cousin twice removed who you don’t like very much and are just trying to get out of visiting. That kind of thing. (more)

Just ask.

Alright, so like, all I had to do was ask the universe for the perfect man and it would send me one? I mean, I thought it was great to date online and get to punch in criteria for age and height, so this is like freaking singledom nirvana. “This” being the Magic List. (more)

Settling—The New Black

www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

I’ve been so wrong. So very wrong. I shouldn’t be so picky about men. I should just settle. I should have stayed with Simon even though he said things to me like “Those look like shoes a girl who plays the cello would wear,” and “You are the least politically informed person I know,” and compartmentalized our existence into thrice weekly phone calls if I was lucky. Whatever. He had sperm, would mostly be able to provide and told me I was pretty once. (Except it came out as “You’re better looking than me.” I guess a compliment couched in insecurity is better than nothing.)

But then if I did settle, I would never have met Phil, who actually calls, emails and IMs to check in maybe three times a day, tells me I’m pretty (just like that), and lives an existence outside of his ego.

So I take it back. No settling. I think the lesson from Lori Gottleib’s well-meaning but totally offbase article (she doesn’t even agree with herself) isn’t so much that women should settle so they can have that kid before their eggs dry up and more that a “fit of self-empowerment” probably isn’t a good foundation for having a child on your own and you should think twice before getting knocked up without a partner. Raising kids is tough. Shitty husbands and loveless marriages don’t help. Especially when it reduces you to making a desperate plea that ultimately aims at dragging everyone else down with you. That’s just selfish and irresponsible.