And just when I thought I had the whole thing figured out. (Like really, there was a yoga class somewhere in there by the end of which, during shavasana, I’d come to terms with how Simon and I would never have worked out anyway.)
But Simon came to town and my open-ended non-relationship now has the opportunity to open up again and maybe actually become a relationship. He showed up all intense eyes and long looks that solidified that I did not, in fact, invent him. And he doesn’t just want to be friends. He changed his mind. He wants to be romantic. Somehow.
Why do guys always change their mind? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been broken up with or steered in that direction by someone and then have them “come back” a month—or 6—later. And it’s always exactly when I’ve made up my mind to move on. The aroma of ambivalence might just be stronger than the stink of desperation.
There were no specifics laid out about how this might work because I was speechless. I wasn’t expecting to have to deal with an emotional confrontation. I thought it would be either wax on/wax off to defend against grabby hands or quiet stewing over the fact he wasn’t grabby hands at all, which I would then take as rejection.
No, I was dealing with actual feelings and the things I wanted to hear a month and a half ago before he left. And now I’m back pedaling up a slippery slope because spending time with him was really nice. And it was different. We were much more honest with each other since we didn’t have to put up a facade of casual interest because he’s leaving. He’s already gone. Which of course makes me wonder, if we didn’t have that exclusivity conversation back then while he was two blocks away, why are we having it now that he’s four states away?
I needed time to think and told him I wanted to revisit the situation when I’m done with the book.